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Words have meanings… this was a lesson that took me well into grad school and the start of being a mental health counselor to really learn. No- I’m not talking about “swear words” here- I’m talking about every day words that we flippantly use, and aren’t appropriate for the situation that we’re in.
You see, there’s this connection between our thoughts, feelings, and actions. Our thoughts influence our feelings, and our feelings influence our behavior. Our thoughts, the words that we choose to use, are absolutely critical to our health in every day (mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, relational, etc…), yet we often pay very little attention to them. We’ve learned to speak by listening to those around us, and we generally don’t think too much about the words that we chose to use.
This is a big mistake. Over the course of my time in grad school, I learned that the words we choose to use are absolutely critical, and it’s something that takes daily intention and focus in improving. I was up for the task, and dove head first into examining how I use unhealthy words, learning to challenge them and create new patterns of communication. It was hard work, but it’s been well worth it.
I’ve talked about this before on this blog as I talked about embracing shades of gray thinking and avoiding catastrophizing language (go check out those links if you have time!). Here are some examples of words I try to avoid most of the time: always, never, everyone, no one, horrible, terrible, miserable, intolerable, unsurvivable, should, have to, need to, and “nightmare-ish” are examples of a few of the phrases that I’m trying to avoid. These words, used inappropriately, are under the category of “cognitive distortion”.
WHY? Because they are very rarely true, and only serve to heighten a situation, increasing stress, anxiety, anger, frustration, or _____ (fill in the blank with other intense emotion). If we use extreme words for not extreme situations, then what words do we have to use in actual extreme situations? Furthermore, this process of identifying unhealthy words and thought patterns, and adjusting them to healthier patterns, is a processed used to help decrease depression and anxiety (it’s one of the cornerstones of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy).
WORDS MEAN THINGS, but we so often use words that don’t line up with the situation at hand, and we create more struggle, uncomfortableness, or pain for ourselves as a result.
Here are a few ideas of starting to change the words that you use:
1. Start by recognizing the words that you choose to you in various situations. Are you saying “always” when you’re frustrated by someone else’s behavior? Are you saying something is “horrible” when it’s merely uncomfortable or frustrating? Start by surveying how you use words.
2. For each of the words like you would like to decrease, come up with a more appropriate and realistic words to use. For example, in place of “horrible” I tend to use “not ideal” or “frustrating” because, honestly, most of the situations I used the word “horrible” in were really just “not ideal”, and nothing more. Instead of “always” I try to use “sometimes” or “frequently” or “often” (when is anything ALWAYS, anyways?).
3. Get others on board! Having others help point out when you use words you’re trying to decrease is incredibly beneficial (so often we don’t even recognize the words that we use), plus they are likely to develop a pattern of using more realistic words as well.
Changing language is a LONG process, and definitely takes work. However, I will say that the effort I’ve put forth for myself (and I am no where close to perfect in the words I choose to use) has been well worth it. My challenge to you is to start thing about words meaning certain things, and walk through the steps I’ve outlined above for challenging and changing your thoughts!
Now it’s your turn to share! Have you ever recognized that you’re using words that aren’t totally accurate or true to the situation? In the process of challenging and changing words, which word would you like to start with for yourself?
Great post, Car! This one got me thinking about how I communicate both in the workplace & on a personal level. Loved this one:)
Maybe you can incorporate some new words into Caitlin language 🙂 Seriously though, I think it’s something that we need to consistently check in with ourselves about in order to keep ourselves healthy.
Obsessed with this post, mostly because you’ve taught me SO MUCH in the course of the past few months. Just this morning, I corrected myself (to you, so you know I mean it!) in this – changing “nobody is listening” to “I feel like I’m not being heard”. What a difference those words make! Thank you for this lesson 🙂
I’m so happy you’ve been able to pick up on one of my good habits (verses the stupid race day superstitions, for example). I hope it forever impacts your life in all sorts of positive ways 🙂