The Little Things
March 11, 2013

*This post is a continuation from last week’s discussion on boundaries.

In talking about boundaries, one of the important things that we must understand is that while I can care about the feelings of another, I must not try to control the feelings of another. After all, we can’t make someone feel something. As I was reading a few weeks ago, I came across this quote and immediately highlighted it:

If a primary concern in your relationship is an authentic responsiveness to how you impact each other, you will have a pretty good life. Note that I don’t mean responsiveness in the sense of an overly responsible codependent: “Am I making everyone happy? Everyone’s happiness is my responsibility, and when someone is unhappy, I caused that.” That is not what we’re going for. There is a big difference between caring about how you impact someone and taking full responsibility for the other person’s feelings and happiness in life. You are an influence, and those in your life influence you. Influence doesn’t connote ownership. -Beyond Boundaries, p. 164

When we engage in people pleasing behaviors or don’t allow the person to express their feelings (even if we don’t like them), we move into trying to own someone’s feelings. One question I like to ask clients is “How does it feel when someone tries to control your feelings or doesn’t let you feel what you are feeling”? It feels gross, is frustrating, and it starts to mess with our relationship with that person. We do not own someone else’s feelings, but, in our relationships, we do have an impact on one another.

Moving forward, be responsible for the impact you make (your words and behavior), but don’t try to be responsible for someone else’s feelings. We are influences, we do not own…

Now it’s your turn to share: What’s difficult about letting go of the ownership we feel over another’s feelings? What makes it difficult to own our own feelings? 

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5 responses to “Mental Health Monday: Influence vs. Ownership”

  1. Sylvester McNutt III says:
    March 11, 2013 at 2:07 am

    I have to finish my homework and then I’m coming back to read this.

  2. noshingonasphalt says:
    March 11, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    Such a thought provoking post! I love how you point out that we can’t make someone feel something. I use to have a big problem with wanting everyone to like me – even if I didn’t really care for them. It was exhausting and I wasn’t being myself, I was being who I thought the person they would like should be. Looking back, I’m so glad that I snapped out of that phase.

  3. martha84 says:
    March 11, 2013 at 6:53 pm

    A few years ago it was highly recommended to me by my therapist that I read “Codependant No More” – and it opened my eyes to this issues I had with trying to control people around me – not just in their physical actions but how they felt about certain things. I think the hardest part about letting go of how others feel at any given time is the fear that they will change so much that you will no longer be a part of each others lives. Amazing post! Thanks for a thoughtful Monday!

  4. Mental Health Monday: Respecting The No! | Journey to Wellness says:
    March 18, 2013 at 1:52 am

    […] been talking about boundaries (Introducing Boundaries and Influence vs. Ownership) a bit lately, and today’s post falls under that general category as well. To summarize, with […]

  5. Mental Health Monday: Being Attracted To Health | Journey to Wellness says:
    March 25, 2013 at 1:47 am

    […] why I talk about it so often. Here are my other posts on boundaries: Introduction to Boundaries, Influence vs. Ownership, and Respecting the […]