The Little Things
September 30, 2013

Right now during my Mental Health Monday posts, I’m discussing healthy trust and safety. So far I’ve talked about Losing Our Safety as well as Characteristics of Unsafe People {Part 1}. Today I’m going to continue to discuss some of the characteristics of unsafe people that we would be wise to learn and look for in our relationships. Remember, we’re imperfect people living in an imperfect world, so these characteristics are more about the degree to which they occur, not if they’ve ever occurred even once in relationship.

Unsafe people avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with them. “People who are uninvolved in character growth can be unsafe because they are shut off from awareness of their own problems… Instead, they act out of their unconscious hurts, and then hurt others” (p.34). Awareness of our “stuff” in life, and the working on our stuff, is critically important in being a healthy person. Without this, we hurt others out of the hurts we’ve experienced, and we become unsafe to those around us.

 Unsafe people demand trust, instead of earning it.  Do the people in your life demand your trust, or are they ok with earning it? Unsafe people will demand trust because their behavior will not garner it on its own. Safe people are ok with you putting them through the test of time to determine their safety, because they do the same thing. Safe people will live their life in such a way that individuals will trust them because they’ve earned it. Be wary of those in your life who demand trust, and assert this demand when you question something.

 Unsafe people believe they are perfect instead of admitting their faults. When people struggle with perfection, there is also a struggle to accept (or even sometimes to give) grace. Relationships need love and grace in order to be healthy and safe. “In addition, relationships with perfect people are very hurtful, because they dodge any ‘badness’ that appears in the relationship. They will fight, blame, and point fingers- anything that will put the badness onto the other person so that they can remain blameless” (p. 36). If you’ve ever been in a relationship with someone who tries to push any badness off on you, you know how deeply painful and confusing this type of relationship can be. Steer clear of these type of people!

Unsafe people blame others instead of taking responsibility. In order to have healthy boundaries, we are each responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. This past spring, I wrote an entire post on owning our reactions which expands on this idea. Safe people take responsibility for their responsibilities, but unsafe people generally do not. “Unsafe people do not do that hard work. They stay angry, stuck, and bitter, sometimes for life. When they feel upset, they see others as the cause, and others as the ones who have to do all the changing” (p. 37).

Unsafe people lie instead of telling the truth.  Lies harm relationships, while honesty is a firm foundation of a healthy relationship. Because we are imperfect people, each of us occasionally stretches the truth. Because of that, how do we determine who is safe or unsafe in this regard? “The difference between safe and unsafe ‘liars’ is that safe people own their lies and see them as a problem to change as they become aware of their deception…Unsafe people see deception as a strategy to cling to and to manage life and relationships” (p. 38). If you catch people lying in other relationships, that is a warning sign to you that they are likely lying to you, too.

I will expand on what to do once we recognize someone isn’t safe in a future post, but remember to give grace and try to work with the person; don’t necessarily jump to immediately cutting people out! That’s not healthy either.

Now it’s your turn to share! What are you thinking about these characteristics so far? Are you feeling challenged for your own life, too? 

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